Grief reactions following a sibling death

Grief following the death of a sibling involves a range of grief reactions, including disbelief, despair, guilt, anger, and helplessness.

Grieving the loss of past, present, and future. The sibling bond begins at birth and usually continues throughout life. Siblings are friends, protectors, and confidants who share the same memories, connections, and history. When a sibling dies, you lose not only your present relationship with them, but also a part of your past and the role that your brother or sister would have played in your future.

Grief may go unrecognized. Siblings are sometimes referred to as "forgotten mourners" because their grief is overshadowed by the grief of other family members, such as the deceased sibling's parents, spouse, or children. You are often expected to recover quickly from your own grief to comfort your parents or your sibling's spouse. If you are married, your spouse may not experience the same degree of grief and may not understand why you are so upset, especially if you and your sibling did not appear to have a close relationship.

Experiencing guilt. Sibling relationships are complicated, with love and affection existing along with rivalry, jealously, and arguments. You may feel guilty over things you once said or did, or you may feel guilty about not maintaining a closer relationship as adults. Brothers and sisters often feel the need to protect each other and surviving siblings may feel guilty or helpless at not being able to prevent the death. Some siblings also experience "survivor guilt" and may question why their brother or sister died instead of them.

Redefining your role in the family. Family members have different, often unspoken, roles and responsibilities within the family, such as taking care of aging parents or being the one everyone calls in a crisis. When a sibling dies, these roles and responsibilities shift and change. Taking on new responsibilities, such as becoming a caregiver for a parent, can cause additional stress and resentment in grieving siblings. Explicit family roles also change. With the death of your sibling, you may suddenly become the oldest child or an only child.

Worrying about your own mortality. Since siblings are peers, it is normal to worry about one's own mortality when a sibling dies. When your brother or sister dies of cancer, you may fear that you will develop cancer as well.

Strategies for coping with the loss of a sibling

In addition to the coping strategies discussed in Help for When You Are Grieving, the following strategies may be helpful:

Share your grief with other family members. Your entire family is grieving the loss of your brother or sister, but each person grieves in his or her own way. Talking about your shared grief helps. You and other family members may understand each other's grief and release some of your pain and sadness.

Join a bereavement support group. Support groups offer the chance to talk with others who share and understand your feelings and experiences. A support group for bereaved siblings can be especially helpful.

Forgive yourself. Siblings compete, argue, and challenge each other. Forgive yourself for unkind things you did or said, or things you wish you had done or said but did not. Forgive yourself for not maintaining a close enough relationship with your sibling. It does not mean you did not love your sibling.

Take care of your own health. Help ease some of your own fear by focusing on a healthy lifestyle. Have regular checkups and get medical tests as recommended by your doctor. Talk with your doctor about your family's cancer history and your own cancer risk.

Find ways to remember your sibling. As the pain of grief begins to ease, it may feel like you are beginning to forget your sibling. Finding ways to memorialize your brother or sister can help keep his or her memory alive. You may decide to make a family memory book with pictures, stories, or other mementoes contributed by different family members. Consider volunteering with a charity important to your sibling or with a cancer charity.

Other means of support. It seems logical to look for support from your own family, but it can be hard for family members to support each other while coping with their own grief. Talk about your loss with others outside your family, such as a close friend, a clergy member, or a grief counselor.

When a child loses a sibling

The death of a sibling is a tremendous loss for a child-they lose a family member, a constant companion, and often a best friend. Younger children may not understand what death really means and may be confused about why their brother or sister died. Parents are often preoccupied with their own grief, and the needs of grieving siblings are sometimes overlooked. You may feel that you need to "fill in" for the deceased child, or that your parents would have preferred if you had died rather than your sibling. It is important for parents to recognize the grief of surviving siblings and to support them. Suggestions for helping siblings understand and cope with cancer and grief are found in Helping a Child or Teenager Who is Grieving, When a Parent is Grieving the Loss of a Child, and Cancer and Siblings.

Additional resources

The Compassionate Friends: Sibling Resources

Lance Armstrong Foundation: Grief and Loss

National Cancer Institute: Loss, Grief, and Bereavement (PDQ®)

More Information

Coping With Change After the Death of Someone You Love