When your partner has cancer, it is important to balance providing support to him or her and finding support for yourself. It may be overwhelming at first when you take on new caretaking and household responsibilities. And, if you had relationship or communication differences with your partner prior to the diagnosis, the illness may make those issues seem even more challenging.
Whatever your concerns and stresses were prior to the diagnosis, it is vital that the two of you talk about them. A conversation won't always fix the problem, but it will help you feel more like a team and give you both a chance to better understand each other's feelings. There are strategies to strengthen the lines of communication, changing what hasn't worked in the past and keeping what has worked.
Here are some simple tips for good communication with your partner:
- Listen more than talk. A good tip is to allow you each a specific period of time, five to ten minutes, to explain your worries. During this first talk, the other is not allowed to interrupt.
- Ask; don't assume you know exactly how your partner is feeling at all times.
- Give your partner the right to change his or her mind and feelings.
- Make daily conversation, perhaps at a set time, a priority.
Situations and solutions
Supporting a partner who has cancer involves approaching new situations with creative, new solutions. Here are a few examples that may be helpful:
Situation: We are both tired from juggling work and treatment, and there is no time or energy to keep up with household duties.
Solution: Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do as a partner is to find and ask for help. Ask family members, friends, and neighbors to help with such tasks as cleaning, laundry, and cooking. Many people are willing to help, especially when the request is specific. If you have the financial resources to do so, think about any tasks that you can contract out to others. Also, talk with a social worker for referrals to local volunteer and professional service providers, such as meal providers or transportation.
Situation: I can't take off work to be with my partner at every appointment, but he has so much on his mind that he doesn't always remember the information his doctor tells him.
Solution: Make a list of questions together prior to each appointment on a notepad, asking the doctor or nurse to write down the answer next to each one. Also, request that a member of the health-care team writes down any new information or instructions in the same notepad. You may also want to ask the doctor's office if it is okay to tape-record appointments. Help your partner follow up with an e-mail or phone call if any further instruction is needed. And, see if a trusted friend or family member is available to accompany your partner to appointments whenever possible.
Situation: Sometimes, my partner and I let our worries and fears build up, but we don't say anything; I'm not sure how to start talking.
Solution: Fears and worries are common and normal in an uncertain or new situation. It may be helpful to schedule a time to talk about the concerns you have, on a day when you are not rushed. If you are not sure how to say it, write it down and ask your partner to read what you have written. As a supportive partner, let the person you love know that you are available to talk about anything they wish to discuss. If you are still having difficulty getting started, ask a clergy person, counselor, or social worker to help you get back on track. You may also consider joining a support group to get ideas from other couples that have faced cancer.
Situation: I miss the sexual intimacy my partner and I used to have, but I'm not sure how to get it back or even how to bring up the topic with the doctor or nurse.
Solution: Nearly everyone who goes through cancer treatment wonders about intimacy at some point. It is natural to want to be close to the one you love, and sexual intimacy is one way to express and feel that closeness. Your doctor and nurse are used to answering questions and giving information about what the possibilities and limitations are in your situation. It may be that your usual activities are all still possible, or that sexual intimacy will need to take on new forms. Your partner may also need emotional support for changes in his or her self-image or body image; your health-care team can provide information on this, too. As a partner, the most important thing you can do is to convey your willingness to support your partner and to maintain the emotional connection that is so important to intimacy. And, remember that intimacy is much broader than sexual contact.
Situation: Lately, it seems like all we talk to each other about is the cancer.
Solution: Schedule a cancer-free day as often as possible, when you focus on fun, relaxing activities as a couple. Remember what activities you enjoyed as a couple before the diagnosis, and make time to engage in those same activities to help you reconnect. Surprise your partner with a romantic dinner at home, tickets to a sporting event, or a restaurant outing with old friends. These activities can provide comfort and support to both you and your partner.
Situation: The holidays are approaching, and we're not going to be able to celebrate as we have in the past. This will be disappointing for us both.
Solution: Each of you should write down five things that you love about the holidays, then compare your lists and decide together how to make sure you preserve the important aspects of this time. Perhaps it is attending one favorite event, socializing with friends, or having quiet time for reflection. Then, discuss ways to create new traditions that you'll both enjoy this year and in the future. Even if your celebration is completely different than previous years, it can still be filled with meaning and love. It is important to remember that, for many people with cancer, the holidays mark a milestone for comparisons, as they reflect on what has changed since the last holiday and wonder what the future holds. During this time of reflection, consider writing your partner a love letter to express what he or she means to you, and what your hopes are for your relationship. And, make a resolution to keep your relationship as the top priority in your life.
Additional resources
National Cancer Institute (NCI): When Someone You Love Is Being Treated for Cancer
NCI: When Someone You Love Has Advanced Cancer: Support for Caregivers
NCI: Taking Time: Support for People With Cancer and the People Who Care About Them
National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship: Cancer Survival Toolbox for Survivors and Caregivers
Gilda's Club
The Wellness Community
CancerCare
More Information
Talking to Your Spouse or Partner About Cancer
Relationships and Cancer: Family Life
Caregiving
Last Updated: September 24, 2007
