For many people, their 20s and 30s are a time of personal growth, in terms of careers, friendships, and romantic relationships. But what happens when that lifestyle is interrupted by the realities of a parent's cancer? Many young adults feel torn between their focus on establishing themselves in the world and their duty and desire to help a parent who is facing a serious illness. While caregiving can bring rewarding ways to reconnect with parents, it can also alter a phase of life that is typically marked by exploration and freedom.

Common feelings

Young adults in this situation often feel:

• Fear
  
  
• Sadness
  
  
• Worry
  
  
• Resentment and anger
  
  
• Guilt
  
  
• Isolation
  
  

These feelings can take many different forms, including physical symptoms such as headaches, fatigue, muscle aches, and gastrointestinal distress, or emotional or behavioral changes such as irritability, crying, and forgetfulness. If you are experiencing physical, emotional, or behavioral changes that are interfering with your ability to function at work and in social situations, you may want to seek help from a qualified counselor or health-care professional to find more effective coping strategies.

Support options

A parent's illness is usually uncharted territory, and you may use resources you've never needed before such as joining a support group, talking with a counselor, or asking extended family members and friends for help. An important first step is finding out what the support options are and organizing the information and resources you will be using.

Here are some ways to find and organize your caregiving support options:

• Request a meeting with your parent's health-care team to get clear, accurate information about your parent's illness and treatment. Or, it may be best to accompany your parent to a scheduled appointment. (Doctors and nurses cannot give information over the phone without their patient's consent, so an in-person meeting may be the best route to getting this information.)
  
  
• Ask the hospital's or cancer center's patient services department for referrals to local resources that provide respite services and homemaker services.
  
  
• Check with your employer's human resources manager about the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA), Employee Assistance Program (EAP), and other benefits.
  
  
• Keep a list of key contacts (for example, physician, nurse, social worker, pharmacist, and emergency room) with you at all times, and distribute it to others who will assist with caregiving.
  
  
• With your parent, make a list of tasks that he or she needs help with (for example, laundry, housekeeping, grocery shopping, and transportation). Ask neighbors, siblings, and friends to assist with a task. Keep the list of tasks with you, so when someone offers to help, you will have specific options to give them.
  
  
• If your parent is involved in a religious organization, ask the pastor, priest, or spiritual advisor to organize help from that group.
  
  
• Use cell phones, personal digital assistants (PDAs), and e-mail to keep in contact with your parent.
  
  
• Set up an e-mail list to provide updates to relatives and friends more efficiently. Or, keep family members and friends in the loop by setting up a webpage for the purpose of posting updates on your parent's medical care and progress. Websites that are currently offering this interactive tool include www.CarePages.com, www.caringbridge.org, MyLifeLine.org, and www.thestatus.com. Many hospitals and cancer centers are also offering this option to patients.
  
  
• Designate a contact person who will call others with news.

Coping strategies

Preserve time to just be your parent's son or daughter, while you allow others to do the caregiving. It is also important to continue your friendships, romantic relationships, work, and hobbies as much as possible. Investing in yourself will give you more energy and the ability to be truly present and available for your parent. Here are tips to help you cope:

• Write in a journal.
  
  
• Listen to soothing or uplifting music.
  
  
• Exercise regularly.
  
  
• Talk with a friend, clergy member, or therapist who is not involved in the situation.
  
  
• Join an online or in-person support group.
  
  
• Plan activities with your parent that are not related to his or her cancer.
  
  
• Make regular time to maintain friendships.
  
  
• Maintain your health through regular physical checkups.
  
  
• When people offer to help you or your parent, say yes.
  
  

Next week, look for the article on Young Adults as Long-Distance Caregivers. This is a continuation of the series on young adults taking of a parent with cancer.

Additional resources

CancerCare: Caring Advice for Caregivers: How Can You Help Yourself? (download PDF)

CancerCare: Online support group for caregivers ages 20-40

National Cancer Institute (NCI): When Someone You Love Has Advanced Cancer: Support for Caregivers

National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship (NCCS): Cancer Survival Toolbox

National Family Caregivers Association (NFCA)

Family Caregiver Alliance

National Alliance for Caregiving

Family Caregiving 101

Gilda's Club Worldwide

The Wellness Community

More Information

How Caregivers Can Take Care of Themselves

Tips on Caregiving

Last Updated: September 25, 2006