Key messages:

• It is important to have open communication and set clear expectations when sharing caregiving responsibilities.
  
  
• Allow family members to help in ways they are able, depending on their individual abilities, lifestyles, and schedules.
  
  
• Consider seeking outside help from friends, relatives, and volunteer organizations.

Caring for a person with cancer can bring families together, with members providing mutual support to one another. However, the pressures of caregiving can inflame old family conflicts or create new ones, making it difficult for family members to cooperate.

Families that are able to appropriately express their feelings and work together will likely have the most success resolving conflicts regarding caregiving issues. On the other hand, families in which members solve problems independently and have trouble reaching agreement might have more difficulty coping. It is important for families to recognize and discuss how they react to stressful situations.

Potential conflicts

Potential sources of conflict among caregiving families include:

Unequal division of caregiving duties. Typically, one family member takes on the primary (lead) role of caring for the person who has cancer and manages the majority of the caregiving responsibilities alone. This situation can make the caregiver feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and resentful, and other family members may feel left out.

Disagreement on caregiving decisions. There may be differences of opinion about financial, medical, and daily caregiving decisions.

Differences in coping styles. Family members may react differently to their caregiving responsibilities and have different ways of coping with their emotions.

Working together as caregivers

Although resolving family conflicts can be challenging and uncomfortable, it is important to address issues quickly so that they do not affect the family’s ability to provide high-quality care to the person with cancer.

The following suggestions can help families work together to become a supportive network.

• Expect and accept family members’ differences of opinion and coping styles.
  
  
• Involve the person with cancer, if possible. He or she should always be a central part of all care-related discussions and actions.
  
  
• Do not be afraid to ask for help with caregiving responsibilities, and learn how to graciously accept it.
  
  
• Express appreciation to family members who are trying to help, even if the help is not exactly what is needed.
  
  
• Be realistic in dividing up caregiving responsibilities. Allow family members to help in ways they are able, and assign tasks according to individual abilities, lifestyles, and schedules.
  
  
• Caregiving responsibilities will vary day to day, week to week. Encourage family members to remain flexible and pitch in when extra help is needed.
  
  
• Get outside help from friends, relatives, and volunteer organizations.
  
  
• Ensure that all family members involved in caregiving are taking care of themselves physically and emotionally. Learn more about how caregivers can take care of themselves.
  
  
• Use online tools that allow you to schedule tasks and communicate information. That way, all family members and other caregivers can get the latest information by connecting to the Internet.

Family meetings

It may be helpful to hold regularly scheduled family meetings. This is a time to encourage everyone on the caregiving team, including friends and relatives, and to discuss issues and concerns. Those who cannot attend in person may want to participate by phone. All participants should have an opportunity express their opinions and be heard.

Counseling

Some families may need professional help, such as counseling, to resolve their differences. In counseling, family members talk about their problems and receive guidance and advice from a trained mental health professional. A counselor can help families find solutions to specific, immediate problems. Find out more about how to find a counselor.

By working together, a family can provide effective care with the least possible amount of conflict.

More Information

Family Life

Relationships and Cancer

When You and Your Family Differ on Treatment Choices

Caregiving

Additional resources

CancerCare: Caregiver Support Services

Family Caregiver Alliance: Holding a Family Meeting

Last Updated: April 26, 2010