Talking about cancer can be difficult for people of all ages. At a time when you are dealing with your own fears and expectations of what lies ahead, how will you be able to help your grandchildren cope with and understand what is happening?

Finding the right time to tell your grandchildren that you have cancer

You may experience many emotions after being told you have cancer. Coping with your own emotions and concerns first, before talking with your grandchildren, may allow you to focus more on the children’s reaction to what you are telling them. It may also be appropriate to seek the advice and support of the children’s parent(s) to help you decide when the time is right to have an open discussion about your cancer diagnosis. Beforehand, parent(s) will need to develop strategies to help children cope with the life changes they may experience in the future.

The impact your cancer diagnosis will have on your grandchildren will also depend on:

• The child’s age and level of maturity
  
  
• The parent(s) ways of coping with cancer
  
  
• Whether you live close to, far away, or with your grandchildren
  
  
• Family dynamics (Many grandparents have assumed the role of the primary caregiver to their grandchildren.)
  
  
• The child’s previous experiences with another family member or friend diagnosed with cancer

Finding the right words

You may need to sit down as a family unit, involving parent(s), family, and friends where appropriate, and discuss what you will say ahead of time so you feel more comfortable. It may also help having family members, especially the children’s parent(s), present to support you if you are not sure of how the children will react. Also, you may want to think of potential questions your grandchildren will ask so you can prepare answers and determine how much information you think is appropriate to share with them. How much information you share with your grandchild will not only depend on their age and level of maturity but also on their present coping skills.

For example, a younger child may not grasp the concept of cancer or understand complex words or phrases. It is better to use simple language or draw pictures to describe what is happening. Young children fear being separated from those they love, especially if their daily routine revolves around you being present most of the time. It is a good idea to tell them ahead of time if you are going to be away for several days or for a few hours each morning, so they do not feel like they have been abandoned. Talking with them on the phone, if you cannot be with them, may help.

Older children, in contrast, may require a more detailed explanation of what is happening. Start out simple and try to explain things in a way that is not overwhelming. Older children may need to have their role in the family redefined, if the tasks surrounding a cancer diagnosis add responsibilities to their lives. Learn more about how to talk with a child about cancer.

Honesty is the best policy

Trying to protect your grandchildren by not sharing information about your illness, regardless of the children’s ages, may cause them to rely on imagination or fantasy rather than fact. In many instances, what a child imagines to be happening may be far worse than reality. It is important that you build a relationship based on trust. Being honest with your grandchildren will not only help them feel less isolated; it will give you and the rest of the family the opportunity to support each other. Ask for the advice and support of the children’s parent(s) to decide how much information the children can handle.

Keep in mind that children pick up on nonverbal cues

It may be difficult to hide a diagnosis of cancer, especially once you have started treatment. There may be times when you don’t feel well, or there may be sudden changes in your physical appearance, such as hair loss and weight loss. These changes may frighten your grandchildren, especially if they haven’t been told what to expect. Also, help them view these changes in a less serious way. They may think the symptoms you have from treatment are related to your cancer getting worse, which will only add to the fears they may be experiencing already. Children need a sense of security at any age.

Reassure your grandchildren and encourage them to express their feelings

Your grandchildren may experience many emotions such as depression, anxiety, fear, guilt, and anger. Encouraging your grandchildren to talk about how they are feeling with you and their parents will let them know it is okay to have these feelings. Being honest about how you feel by sharing your feelings with them will let them know they are not alone. Try to remain optimistic without being misleading, and reassure them that your love for them remains the same. When you give your grandchildren the opportunity to ask questions, remember that younger children live in the here and now, so you may not get an immediate response from them. They need to think about what has been said and may not have questions right away. This is a difficult time for you too, so when you don’t feel like answering them, it is okay to tell your grandchildren that you will talk to them about it later. Reassure them that it is okay to express their feelings and encourage them to tell you anything they want so there are open lines of communication.

Possible changes to relationships

Many grandparents today assume a large amount of responsibility by being one of the primary caregivers to their grandchildren. It is important to maintain a normal routine and lifestyle for them as much as possible. There may be times when you don’t feel up to playing with them or participating in activities you have shared in the past. Reassure them that this doesn’t mean you love them any less. Certain body image changes may cause you to have fear that your grandchild will not react to you the same way. Remember that children are resilient and the things that you worry about may not necessarily bother them. Pick up on their cues, so you will know when and how to deal with these changes.

Let your grandchildren share in some of the responsibilities

Your grandchildren’s role in the family may also change during this time. It may be necessary for them to take on additional responsibilities, especially if you can’t participate in normal activities because you don’t feel well. But, be sure not to overburden them with responsibility. Sometimes children may have feelings of guilt if they go about their normal routine at a time when you are not feeling well. Assure them that they should continue to socialize, play with their friends, participate in school activities or sports, and stay focused on their schoolwork.

Seek help from outside resources

If you feel that your grandchildren cannot cope with what is happening, it may be helpful to seek support not only for the child but for yourself as well. These resources can be other family members, support groups, family and spiritual counseling, teachers, and social workers. Ask your doctor or nurse what supportive resources are available or how to find a counselor.

More Information

Cancer in Older Adults

Talking About Cancer

Family Life

Additional Resources

National Cancer Institute: When Someone in Your Family Has Cancer