Often a cancer diagnosis brings sadness, anger, confusion, and feelings of helplessness. These feelings make it important for the person with cancer to know that support and help are readily available. Many times, those closest to the person with cancer can provide the most support. However, sometimes it may be difficult to know what to say and what not to say, how to be sensitive, and how to remain supportive at all times.

Ways to show your support

Keep the lines of communication open. Sometimes it's best to just listen instead of leading the conversation. Let your friend or family member decide when it's an appropriate time to talk and let that person decide where to lead the conversation. Be patient. If you feel the need to ask questions, phrase your questions carefully. Remember to keep talking about all the usual and familiar topics; not every conversation needs to be about cancer.

Be respectful. Sometimes you may need to use your instincts to assess the needs of your friend or family member. Respect his or her need to be alone at times. He or she may need to vent frustrations or anger, which is normal. Try not to take it personally.

Help the person stay involved. Finding the right balance between being supportive and available and keeping things the same as before a cancer diagnosis is challenging. Some people with cancer cope best by staying involved and continuing old routines as much as possible. This approach may at times be impossible because of time constraints or a lack of energy and stamina from the cancer or its treatment. Remaining flexible and supportive is often the best way to help.

Be honest about your feelings but don't overburden. When a person you care about is diagnosed with cancer, feelings of fear, anxiety, anger, or disbelief are normal. Be sure to communicate what you're feeling, but try to be brief in your explanations so as not to overburden and cause additional distress. If maintaining your composure is difficult, give yourself some time away to calm your feelings before addressing the situation again.

Provide active support. Your friend or family member with cancer will need both your emotional and physical support, especially after cancer treatment. Suggest specific ways to help, such as running an errand, caring for the pets, or picking up the children from school. If a person receives many offers of help, you may want to help coordinate everyone's efforts. Ask for specific suggestions or ways to help from your friend or family member. Be aware of this person's needs and know that some people have a hard time asking for help.

Show support with your body language. Keep eye contact, listen attentively, and avoid distractions when involved in a conversation. Allow for periods of silence. Smile and touch appropriately. Take cues from the situation and your surroundings to determine how best to react and provide support.

Be a "constant" in a changing world. A diagnosis of cancer causes many changes. Try to be a source of stability and a resource for the person with cancer. Help the person you care about adjust to new routines and other relationships that may have changed. Assure your friend or family member with cancer that you are there.

Other tips

Listen before giving advice. Giving unsolicited advice may cause unnecessary pressure. Listen carefully before offering to fix things.

Choose your words carefully. Because it's impossible to truly know what it's like to be diagnosed with cancer unless you have been diagnosed, avoid phrases, such as "I know what you’re going through …" and "I know how you must feel …".

Once confirmed, don't deny the reality of the cancer diagnosis. A cancer diagnosis often invokes fear and insecurity and should be taken very seriously. Avoid making statements, such as "Everything will be fine …" or "It's okay …". Statements like this may not only prove to be false if the treatment is not effective, but they may also make the person with cancer withdraw from accepting your support because they cannot express their true concerns.

Allow yourself to be guided. When you hear of a cancer diagnosis in your family, among your friends, or at your workplace, your first instinct may be to take control of the situation. Instead, be open to the suggestions of others and the advice of the cancer treatment team. It may be helpful if you provide assistance in important decision-making matters, but do not appoint yourself the one to actually make the decisions. And, learn all that you can about the illness. The Cancer.Net Guides to Cancer provide information on more than 120 types of cancer and cancer-related syndromes.

Don't minimize your own feelings. When someone close to you is diagnosed with cancer, you may naturally keep the pain to yourself or feel guilty about being healthy. However, if you find that coping and caregiving are becoming overwhelming, talk to someone you trust, such as a counselor, clergy member, or support group. If your feelings go unresolved, you may not be as emotionally available to provide support.

Avoid excessive worry. Everyone makes mistakes at times. Sometimes the wrong thing is said, or something seemingly innocent is simply said at the wrong time. In any event, be yourself. Don't let yourself become overly involved with worry about whether you are handling the situation right way. Let your support and desire to lend a hand be heartfelt and genuine.

More Information

Talking About Cancer

Caregiving

Resources and Support

Additional Resource

CancerCare: FAQ: Answers for Loved Ones and Friends