Talking with your teenagers about a family member's cancer diagnosis is difficult. It is important to know that adolescents respond differently than children or adults. They may need more information or more time to sort through all of their feelings. Even though adolescents may want more independence, they will still look to you for support and reassurance.

The following tips may help you discuss your cancer diagnosis with your teenagers:

Gently share the truth about your diagnosis and disease. Teenagers need to be told the facts about your cancer diagnosis and treatment plan. Ignoring or hiding the truth from them can undermine their trust in you. Also, they may make something up about why their family member is sick, and even blame themselves. Reassure them that they did not cause the cancer and that cancer is not contagious. It is important that your teenager trusts you during this time to tell the truth.

Present information in small doses. Ask your teenagers if they understand the information you discussed. Look for signs that they have learned enough for one day. Be prepared to talk with your teenagers several times because it may take them time to process all of the feelings that go along with this information.

Encourage your teenager to ask questions. Adolescents need permission to ask questions. They may worry about you, wonder about the side effects of your treatment, or want to know when you will feel better. Try to answer any questions gently, yet honestly. Teenagers should also be encouraged to bring information that they hear elsewhere back to their parents to check for accuracy so the parents or the doctor can help decide whether the information they read on the Internet or hear from others is relevant to the parent's specific situation.

Talk about anticipated changes in the family routine. Your teenagers are probably wondering how their lives will be affected. For example, let them know if a neighbor will be picking them up from soccer practice. Try to keep their routines as normal as possible, but acknowledge that some things will be different.

Be specific about what you need from them. You may base this decision on their age and maturity level. Try not to give them too much responsibility; they are still children who also have needs. A little responsibility can be a good experience, but too much can be overwhelming.

Ask about their feelings. Try to ask specific questions, such as "What is it like for you when I'm gone on Tuesdays for treatment?" Short questions ("how are you") may get short responses ("fine"). Encourage them to share both positive and negative feelings.

Don't assume that they need counseling. Teenagers may talk with their friends or other adults about this new change in their lives. Remember that adolescents are trying to establish their independence from their parents. Just because they aren't talking to you does not mean they are not talking about it. Sometimes, they may seek support from other adults, such as grandparents or coaches.

Watch for any dramatic changes in their behavior that might indicate they are not coping well. Teenagers' behavior often shows how they are feeling. Consider professional counseling if you notice any significant behavioral changes in your teenagers.

• Changes in academic performance or an interest in school
  
  
• Withdrawing from friends or becoming overly involved with friends
  
  
• Mood changes, such as being overly worried or sad all the time
  
  
• Drug and alcohol use

Sometimes adolescents need reassurance about their own health in the context of their growth and development (for example, breast development for girls whose mothers have had breast cancer).

Remember that humor and hugs go a long way. Laughter is always good medicine, and may be a good release of stress for both you and your teenagers. They may also appreciate hugs, kisses, and reassurance, even if they act embarrassed about it. A supportive family environment is healthy for everyone.

More Information

Talking About Cancer

Family Life

Additional Resources

CancerCare for Kids

Kidscope