People who have a friend with cancer are often interested in how they can best provide help and support. People with cancer each have different treatment plans and different responses to treatment. Keep in mind the personality and interests of your friend with cancer, while adjusting for new ideas and approaches that fit his or her current situation. In this article, get suggestions for ways to show your support, ideas for providing practical help, and suggestions for thoughtful gifts.

Offer suggestions and give choices

Many people going through cancer treatment find it difficult to ask for help. Offer suggestions to your friend for the ways you can help. This lets your friend know the many ways in which you are willing to help, while still allowing him or her to accept or decline the offers.

• Give your friend space, but offer to visit whenever he or she would like.
  
  
• Make flexible plans that can be easily changed, in case something comes up or your friend needs to cancel.
  
  
• Make plans for the future—this gives your friend something to look forward to.
  
  
• Be humorous and fun when appropriate and when needed.
  
  
• Allow for sadness—do not ignore uncomfortable topics or feelings.
  
  
• Make time for a weekly check-in phone call. Let your friend know when you will be calling, and let your friend know that it is okay to not answer the phone.
  
  
• When you make a commitment to help, follow through. For example, if you offer to bring a meal over on Sunday, try your best not to forget (post reminders for yourself in an appropriate spot).
  
  
• Try not to let your friend’s condition get in the way of your friendship. Treat him or her the same way you always have.
  
  
• Ask about interests, hobbies, and other topics not related to cancer—people going through treatment sometimes need a break from talking about cancer.
  
  
• If you aren't sure how to help, ask.

What to say

Here are some simple guidelines to use when talking with your friend.

Avoid saying

I know just how you feel.

You need to talk.

I know just what you should do.

I feel helpless.

I don't know how you manage.

I’m sure you’ll be fine.

Don’t worry.

How much time do the doctors give you?

Let me know what I can do (instead, offer specific ways in which you can help and things you can provide, should they need to call on you).

Do say

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

If you ever feel like talking, I am here to listen.

What are you thinking of doing, and how can I help?

I care about you.

Practical help

Practical help is often valuable to a friend going through cancer treatment. Remember that needs change frequently because of time commitments for treatment, symptoms and side effects, energy level, and ability to concentrate. Be creative with the help you offer, and be flexible in changing plans as needed. Here are some suggestions:

• Shop for groceries and pick up prescriptions.
  
  
• Help with chores around the house, such as getting the mail, taking care of pets, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of plants and flowers, taking out the garbage.
  
  
• Make dinner or schedule a night of takeout food and movies together.
  
  
• Baby-sit children, take them to and from school and evening activities, and arrange for play dates.
  
  
• Organize a phone chain and/or support team to check-in on the friend frequently.
  
  
• Call your friend every week, if not more often.
  
  
• Give a ride to an appointment/support group, take notes during a doctor's appointment, or keep your friend company during a treatment session. For example, sit with your friend during a chemotherapy session.
  
  
• Take a class together.
  
  
• Go for a walk with your friend.

Gift ideas

When picking out gifts for people going through cancer treatment, keep in mind the interests, hobbies, and talents of the person, along with any limitations in their time, energy, or concentration because of the demands of treatment. Keep it fun, interesting, serious, or light, depending on what they need. Here are some ideas:

• Magazines, books on tape, books of short stories or poetry
  
  
• Music for portable CD player/mp3 player
  
  
• Movies
  
  
• Accessories (earrings, bracelets, ties, hats), makeup, or beauty items
  
  
• Crossword puzzles, books of jokes. Read more about coping with cancer through humor.
  
  
• Note cards, journal, tape recorder, videotaped message from family and friends
  
  
• Gift certificates for massage, spa services, restaurants, museum/art gallery passes
  
  
• Money for a maid or housecleaning service
  
  
• Portable hobby supply kits (scrapbooking, drawing, knitting)
  
  
• Relaxation and meditation books, videotapes, or educational classes
  
  
• Pajamas or robe
  
  
• Flowers, plants

Support teams

Organizing a support team is a great way to help a friend living with cancer. Make a chart including the days of the week in columns, and then fill in rows with the tasks or activities your friend needs help with. Below is a sample of how this could look. Give other friends the option to help, but don't make them feel as though they are obligated. Some online communities offer tools to coordinate tasks among friends and caregivers.

Support team calendar

	Mon.	Tues.	Weds.	Thurs.	Fri.	Sat.	Sun.
Take to appointment	Sue		Joe		Ann
Groceries						Mary
Laundry					Ann
Yard work	Sue
Tai chi class				Steve
Movie night							Joe and Mary
Check-in call		Ann				Steve
Bring dinner			Kate

Friendship matters

Continuing friendships and normal activities after a cancer diagnosis is a great way to aid the healing process. Friends need encouragement and support both during and after treatment for their cancer. They are trying to find their "new normal" now in this next phase of their life. With these practical suggestions in mind, your friendship can make a difference to a person living with cancer.

More Information

Caregiving

Last Updated: August 17, 2009